Repentance, Forgiveness and Prayer

Three very important words for a marriage. These three principles are ones we talk about a lot in church and there is no surprise there because they are important during every season of our lives and marriage is no acception.

Prayer: 

Prayer is how we communicate with our Heavenly Father. It is how we thank him for the blessings he gives us everyday and it is when we ask him our questions and ask him for help. It is a beautiful way for us to humble ourselves before our Father in Heaven and let him know that we love him and will always need him.

Specifically in a marriage it can bring us closer during the good and bad times. "including God in the relationship through prayer helps people to view their partner through God's eyes and come to view the relationship as holy and sacred." (2012).

Repentance and Forgiveness:

This can be a hard one sometimes. This time instead of humbling ourselves before God we need to humble ourselves before other human beings, other mortals. Although this can be hard to do these principles are very important, if not crucial, in a marriage. In my five years of being married I know that I would not be able to count the amount of times I have had to say sorry and ask for forgiveness from my husband on one or even both my hands.

"In families, repentance and forgiveness blend into an interactive process that is strengthened by family members' commitment to each other." (2012). Forgiving each other in a family will only allow your relationships to grow stronger and closer. Repenting will help your relationships grow, especially your relationship with the Lord.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Divorce.... But What about Forever?

Another tough topic that I have a lot of thoughts on and feelings about. My husband and I talked about this topic a good amount before we got married. He knew and still knows that this is not an option for us ever. He grew up in a house where his parents divorced when he was 13 and it was not a pretty divorce. Because of everything that happened his teenage years were very difficult and because of that he knew that when he found someone to marry he needed to make sure that that person had the same commitment to keeping their marriage together forever. We know that hard times will come but divorce will never even be an option for us.

Of course there are usually acception to the rules and divorce can have acception. President Faust has a three step test to seeing if your marriage is one of those acceptions.

Step 1: Prolonged Difficulties "Spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems." (2012)

There are so many ways to go about this. One is through counseling. There is also communicating and waiting out the problems. Did you know that "the first five years of a marriage are the years with the highest risk of divorce" (2012)?  Those who said that they push past these first few rough years say that their marriage is more satisfying than it ever has been. I know that that is because they were able to work through such a rough time together and come out on the other side stronger than ever.

Some other options are to visit your bishop, talk with close friends or family that may have gone through the same thing and were able to push through a rough time but are now strong in their marriage. You also want to make sure you will have friends and family around you who will support you in trying to work things out, having people around you who won't will make it hard to work for your marriage.

There are also cases where separation may be the answer to protect family members from harm. But this of course is only temporary until it is safe for those who moved out to come back home and continue working to mend the marriage.

Step 2: Apparently Redeemable Marriage "The marital relationship must reach the point where is it apparently irredeemable" (2012)

What does this mean? This means that you have tried everything you could and even more than that and it is not getting better. In cases of infidelity it can mean that the spouse who was unfaithful regained your trust but then repeated the act of infidelity. This shows you that they are not sorry and divorce could be the answer for this situation.

Step 3: Destruction of Human Dignity "that the relationship has deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroy the dignity of one or both spouses" (2012)

"feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage does not meet this standard." (2012). This means that your sense of worth is depleted. An example of when this might happen is from living in an abusive house or being the victim of multiple acts of infidelity.

If you are going through a rough time in your marriage make sure to go through this list and see if you have done all you can to save it. Most of all make sure you are communicating with the Lord. Visit the temple often and ask him your questions and confide in him your sadness and your fears. Visit your Bishop and he can help you as well. There is so much that can be done before divorce is even mentioned and it will be even easier to do with the help of the Lord.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Fighting against Abortion and Preserving the Sanctity of Life

Abortion. Why? I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't support it. I am very passionate about fighting against this war against the family, "one of the weapons in "Satan's attack on the family"" (2012). Why does this bother me so much? It bothers me so much because so many people are just perfectly fine with innocent life being taken. That innocent child is not even given the chance to breathe air for the first time and because they don't have a voice to stop it I am raising my voice for them.

One of the most irritating arguments that people have for supporting abortion is that their life would be bad if they had the chance to live it. Can you see into the future? You can see where this child will go if they are put up for adoption? You know what their life will end up being like? You know that they don't have the power to fight through hard times? Even if you knew all of the answers to these questions, you don't have the right to make that choice for this person. Yes they are a person, from the second they are conceived they are a person.

Let me bring this to our level for a second and make a comparison that may shed some light on what I am talking about. Imagine you have been studying in school and got a degree for your dream profession and then you get your dream job. You prepare for that job buying new outfits, researching up on that job and imagining yourself going great places. Then the day before you are going to start this job you are fired for the reason of the boss just not feeling it. How would that feel? Of course this is not a fair comparison. One person is losing a job and the other person is losing a life. The person who lost a job will be hurt but they will eventually move past it. The innocent child who lost their life cannot move on. They didn't even get to experience any part of this thing they were supposed to move past. However the comparison shows that both circumstances were uncalled for and unfair.

Now before anyone gets all huffy and puffy asking "what about incest, rape or the mom's life being in harms way?" This is not what I am talking about. I understand that there are times when abortion is necessary in the case that the mother's life is in danger. There may also be cases where a mother chooses abortion because they are pregnant after rape. This is a harder situation to be in and I support the choice being given to the mother depending on her mental state regarding the trauma she has gone through. But these cases account for a few of the number of abortions that happen every year. The majority of abortions that happen are due to a pregnancy inconveniencing a women's life.

Regarding a women's life, another "excuse" some use for supporting abortion is that it is the women's body so no one else should have a say. This just burns me up. I cannot even explain how infuriated I feel when I hear this. I am a woman and I am all for women having a voice #equalrights but women who get pregnant already made their choice, again I am not talking about those who were raped. So none of this prochoice business because the choice is gone and past. Now the woman is pregnant and she is no longer dealing with her body she is dealing with two bodies. "To pretend that there is no child and no life there is to deny reality" (2012).

Maybe some are asking how I could even know how it feels like to make that choice. You are right I don't know how that feels but I do know how it feels to loose a baby before even getting to meet them. I know that a piece of my heart broke off and left with that baby the second I found out that they were gone. I know that I will always miss that baby and I will always be sad that I wasn't able to kiss their little toes. The way I feel from loosing a baby without choosing lets me know that I could not even imagine choosing this for a baby. So I cannot even imagine how hard of a choice this is but I know it is a choice and I know that all choices have other options.

There are so many couples out there waiting to grow their family but cannot on their own. I personally know a lot of families who have adopted and I know it changed their lives to be blessed with their new gifts from God. LDS services is a great source for finding a loving family to adopt your baby, you can find out more at https://adoption.com/lds .

Here is an excerpt from one of the profiles of a potential adoptive couple on adoption.com/lds:

"We are so grateful for birth parents and their decision to let adoptive parents raise their precious babies. They are the only ones who can give us what we cannot give ourselves; the blessing and opportunity to start our family. We are excited for the chance to adopt as we have hoped for a long time to start our family."

You may be someone who just found out you are pregnant and are freaking out. You may be scared and confused but you have an opportunity to change someone's life by giving them something they may have been trying years to try to give themselves. So instead of ending that life inside of you make that choice and give your baby a new and promising life that they can live.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Loving the Sinner not the Sin

As members of the church it is always hard to see those around you who know the truth choose the wrong. It is hard because we know that they can be happy and we ache for them for when the day comes that they will have to suffer the consequences for those poor choices that they are making. But as their loved ones and as children of God it is our job to love them and it is not our job to judge them. We can also be comforted with the knowledge that temple covenants can save those who have fallen away. The Atonement is also a great tool for those who have fallen away and need to repent of their sins once they choose to come back.

It is especially hard to see our children fall away from the church but this can happen. As parents all we can do is raise our children and teach them what is right and if later in their life they choose something else we need to show them love and warmth and know that we did all we can to help raise them with the knowledge they need to make the right choices, even if they are not making them right now. "The Atonement and sealing ordinances are sufficiently powerful to eventually bring salvation to the children of parents who diligently seek to keep their temple covenants." (2012).

As long as we uphold our temple covenants with the Lord than those blessings we received can continue to bless our children who were born into that covenant. How could a Lord that is loving enough to give us those covenants not give his children a way to return when they loose there way? Another amazing point that I saw in my book about the power of the Atonement that can be a great healer for our worries about our children is that the Atonement heals "in both this life and in the life to come" (2012). Everyone is always saying YOLO (You Only Live Once) but we don't. This is only the beginning of forever and we may have a temporary separation from our bodies before resurrection but we will have time to repent, as long as we are trying our best and not pushing off repentance on purpose.

I don't personally have experience with worrying about children falling away from the church but reading the chapter in my book regarding this topic reminded me how important it is for me to keep my temple covenants and teach my children about the Gospel and Christ's love.

If you are someone who has fallen from the church and you feel alone in your journey in returning please remember that you are never alone. You have church members (Bishop, RS president, Elder's Quorum president, YW or YM presidency) and most importantly our Lord and Jesus Christ. He is always there to hear your prayers and he is the only "call" that will always be answered!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Roles as a Mother and Father

This topic seems to be a heated one recently. Everyone is so concerned with everyone being the same that if anyone mentions that there is a difference between genders so many people get "offended". Well ladies and gentlemen.... there is a difference between genders and that difference does not stop regarding the roles that a mother and father play in a child's life. Our roles as mothers and fathers have been given to us through the Lord and when we don't fulfill those roles we are not living up to the potential he has for us and we are not letting our children live up to that potential either.

So without further ado here are some of the roles that are bestowed upon a mother and a father!

Mother:
-Birthing children (this is one thing that men cannot do, an obvious difference between genders. I personally would never want to give up this great opportunity to establish a beautiful bond between myself and my child)
-"Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" (2012). This does not mean that a father needs to ignore his children but mothers should be there at home with the children and will be the main source of nurturing for the children through play, love, and time spent with your children,
-"A mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective" (2012)

-"the attachment between mother and child is critical for a child's healthy social emotional development" (2012)

These are just a few of the many important roles a mother plays in her child's life.

You may have the thoughts of the world running through your head "but these things are not important, why do mothers get the roles that don't amount to anything?". If this is what you are thinking than I have a few things to share with you to help change your mind, because the role of a mother is an irreplaceable role.

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind" (2012). You heard that right. Although the world has made motherhood out to be one of the least important jobs it is actually the highest job that there is, there is nothing holier than being a loving mother.

Another point that a lot of women seem to become offended by is that men have the priesthood and women do not. In regards to this "His daughters, "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the priesthood itself." (2012). Our roles as mothers is as important as the priesthood. So the next time you go to compare the two remember that we as mothers are have a role that is just as important as the role that the priesthood plays.

Father:
-To preside by providing love, teaching and directing.
-"moral responsibility to teach and care for his children" (2012)
-"spiritual leadership in family life" (2012)
-To partner with the mother, the children and all those involved in the child's life (extended family and those in the community)
-To be present. It is sad how common it is for fathers to not be present in a child's life, at all or just mentally there for the child by listening and being involved in the child's day to day life. This is where nurturance of the father comes in. It may not be as much of a presence as the mother's nurturance because the father is at work but it is still as important for the child's well being. It is a great source of security for the child.
-To provide. "to meet a child's temporal needs and make opportunities for him or her to grow and develop" (2012) This is providing those needs children need like water, food and shelter but it is also making sure to provide them with opportunities to grow both physically and spiritually.
-To protect and help the child feel safe and help them learn how to stay safe once they are old enough to be on their own by teaching them the skills they will need to do so.

Hopefully you have been able to see how important each of these roles play in the lives in children. Also that neither of these roles is more important than the other. Each role plays a very important part in a child's upbringing and the absence of one or the other can make a huge difference in the child's overall life.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University
 

Multiply and Replenish and the Blessings that are sure to Follow

Yep, today I am going to be talking about babies! They are the best and the hardest thing that will happen to you. I have never felt more love for someone at first site before than the births of my children. I could not even have imagined how much love I could have for them before they were even born but I loved them from the second I found out that they were growing inside of me. 

Of course a big reason for why I decided to have children so early in my life, according to the world, was because of my upbringing in the LDS church. I was married at 19, had my first baby 2 months before I was 21 and my second 2 months before I turned 23. I now am just 25 and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Having children has put a lot of things on the back burner for me, first of all being school, but although things are a lot harder to do I am finishing those things I want to do to better myself for my children.

Having kids, especially earlier in life and our marriage, has made things difficult but at the same time we have seen so many blessings for following the commandment from God to multiply and replenish the earth. Some of the blessings I see on a day to day basis are daily lessons on patience, unconditional love, being able to witness the pure testimony of my children, and so much more.

There are also blessings that you can receive from children that not only benefit yourself but the world. Did you know that "by 2050, deaths will outnumber births and the earth will begin to see depopulation" (2012)? To sustain the population in the USA every couple needs to have 2.3 children. This will help sustain our country from starting to deplete. But the total fertility rate currently in the USA is 2.56 and has been consistently dropping from 4.92 since the 1950s.

How does this affect you? Well in a couple decades the elderly will be the greatest population and will have a lot more say than the other generations. They will have a lot of pull in politics when voting time comes and the likelihood of taxes being raised is much greater because there will be fewer in the working class than the elderly so the working class will have to work harder to help support their elders. These consequences to not following a commandment from God could be drastic and could change the world forever.

I urge you to rethink your thoughts on having children whether it is that you have decided to not have children at all or that you are waiting for the perfect time, because there will never be a perfect time things will always seem to be in the way. This is a serious commandment from God and it is necessary to one day become like him. If that is not reason enough than think about this "The first commandment he gave to Adam and Eve was to "be faithful, and multiply, and replenish the earth" (Genesis 1:28)" (2012). It was the very first commandment he gave so it must be an important one!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

You Norish a Marriage like you Norish a Body

A few months ago I started doing the 21 Day Fix program. It includes workout DVDs and a detailed eating plan with portion containers. It has been a great tool for me with helping me learn how to correctly nourish my body. To nourish our bodies we need water, vegetables, fruit, protein, carbs, healthy fats and seeds & oils. With all of these we also need to balance our potions and make sure we are eating the right amount of each every single day.

You may be asking, how does this fit into a marriage blog? Well we need to nourish our bodies just like how we need to nourish other parts of our life and another part of our life that needs constant nourishing is out marriages. We cannot fuel a marriage with negativity just like how we cannot nourish our bodies with junk food. So here are some ways that we can make sure to nourish our marriages to help keep them strong and alive

1: "Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant" (2012)

Have you ever seen the covenant marriage triangle? It has each spouse on two of the corners and on the third is God. It represents that when you marry in the temple you are not just making a promise to each other to do all you can to stay together forever but you are also promising that to God. It means that when you go through hard times and you feel like you are alone because it has become hard to communicate to your best friend that you are not alone, God will be there to communicate with and help you rebuild that bridge between you and your spouse.

I will be honest, being marriage is not always easy. It can be so hard sometimes but when we give our all, in a covenant marriage each spouse gives 100% not 50/50, and we reach out to God we can rebuild anything.

2: "Love and Friendship" (2012)

If you are like most you most likely married your best friend, someone who you had so much fun with while dating. After getting married though it can be so easy to fall into a routine of not putting as much effort into the relationship. You are married now and you feel like you don't have anyone to impress anymore. You may not have to win your spouse over but that friendship still needs to be nourished because without friendship a marriage is really hard, way harder than usual.

One of the greatest ways to nourish love and a friendship within a marriage is through love languages. There are 5 love languages and everyone has at least one that they prefer to give love through and one they prefer to receive love through. For me I love to give love through giving gifts and I love to receive love through physical touch and quality time. I got lucky and my husband is also has a physical touch and quality time love language. Some may not be as lucky but your marriage can still thrive.

Find out what your spouse's love language is, there is a test you can take that will tell you, and make an effort to "talk" to them through their love language. Some ideas:

If your spouse is quality time go out for a date with them, set up an in home date, or sit in bed 30 minutes before going to sleep and just talk.

If your spouse is physical touch snuggle during a movie, have a random make out session or hold hands in public.

If your spouse is words of affirmation send them texts when they are at working telling them how much you love them, leave them love notes written on the bathroom mirror or tell them they are beautiful.

If your spouse is acts of service clean their car, clean the kitchen or take out the trash.

If your spouse is receiving gifts buy them something they have been wanting, make them a present or pick up their favorite food for dinner.

It may be hard to be in a relationship where each spouse has a different love language but I think that that can give both spouses more of an opportunity to show their love by showing their spouse that although it may not be their favorite way to show love or receive it that you are willing to do it for them.

3: "Positive Interaction" (2012)

Being happy and positive can be hard. After having my youngest life has been hard. I seem to always be stressed and I think it has a lot to do with how I have not had a moments rest since having him being in full time school and staying at home with two very active kids is very tiring. So at the end of the day when my husband gets home it is hard to stay positive. It is hard to smile for him and take a moment to ask him how his day was without whining about mine. More recently though I have been trying to change this and it is interesting to see how by nourishing my body it makes nourishing the relationships in my life easier.

Being positive in a marriage is so vital to it's health. When you have a friend and they are always negative how likely are you to stay friends with them? Not very likely. It is similar in a marriage. I am sure that when I was being negative everyday when my husband got home from a long day at work he was not looking forward to seeing his grumpy and miserable wife. I am sure he was thinking back to his new bride who was always so happy and excited to see him.

As I exercise more and eat the right foods I can see that it is easier to be more patient with my children and there for when my husband gets home I am not as irritable, most days. I am able to kiss him and ask him about his day and try and turn his day around if it wasn't that great at work. I know that by being a positive light in my husband's life he enjoys being around me more and I enjoy being around me more as well.

4: "Accepting Influence from One's Spouse" (2012)

This one is hard. The meaning to this nourishing marriage advice is to listen to your spouse and to be willing to compromise. Compromise can be so hard. You may be so excited about something and you may go to your spouse to let them know your plan and they may be excited for you but at the same time they may have suggestions you may not like. Instead of fighting it is usually best to take a step back, listen to those suggestions and compromise to fit both plans together.

This happened to me recently. I recently learned all about Lularoe this past winter. I fell in love with how the business was set up and I was ready to sign up to be a consultant. Then I went to my husband and he was not for it. It was hard for me to accept. I felt like he was crushing my dream. This was going to be my way of doing something for myself for the first time since our kids were born, I was going to finally find who I was outside of being a mom.

After a few months of being in full time school I am glad I was able to calm myself down and make some compromises with my husband and hold off for a little while before signing on to be a consultant. I had forgotten how busy I get when I am in full time school and I know that if I had signed up in December that life would be impossible right now. Now I am able to spend the little bit of free time I have with my family instead of having to stress all the time about running a new business while also keeping up with school work. I am glad I was able to humble myself and listen to my husband's suggestions and that we were able to make compromises that worked for us both.

5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems" (2012)

"How differences are handled is an important key to marital success or failure" (2012). I love this quote. Fighting and disagreements are inevitable in a marriage and any relationship, unless you are in a relationship with your clone. You are each your own person so it makes sense that you will not always agree with someone who is their own person. This is normal and this goes along really well with the last nourishing concept of compromise.

So we will get into fights but it is how we handle those disagreements that will help keep up strong. Will you hold a grudge and drag fights on or will you talk them out? Will you keep it all in and one day explode or will you approach a problem as it is happening? The way you answer those questions can make a huge difference in the nourishment of your marriage. Communication is always key. You may not be able to communicate as the argument is happening, it is ok to step away for a few minutes, or a couple hours, to cool down and compose yourself. But it is so crucial to your lasting relationship that those problems are addressed and that each person is able to have time to talk and that each person listens with the intention of finding a solution.

6: Continuing Courtship through the Years" (2012)

This may be my favorite of these nourishing topics. Dating does not stop at the wedding day. Instead it gets better. You are not dating your spouse now and forever. Dating can do so much for a marriage even if it is simple dates that are put together. The dates don't have to be expensive and luxurious. They can be a picnic in the living room, scavenger hunt in the park or feeding the ducks at the pond. As long as you are setting aside time for just you and your spouse to bond at least once a week you will see instantly how much of a difference it can make.

Now that you have seen how to nourish your marriage do you see areas where your relationship is being starved? What can you do to help strengthen your relationship with nourishment? I promise you no relationship is perfect but it is always about trying our best and making sure to always let the other person know that no matter what we will always love them and be there for them for eternity!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University