Choosing an Eternal Companion

This is an interesting topic for me. When I went off to school I was a month away from turning 19 but I already knew I wanted to start dating with the intention of getting married. My very first day doing something on campus, it was at orientation about 2 days before classes even started, I met my husband to be. We hung out for a month before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then two months after that we were engaged and finally a long 6 months after that we were sealed in the temple for eternity. To some this may sound crazy. You may be thinking that I was way too young or that we moved to fast but for us it felt right and I know without a doubt we made the right decision.

Now my sister is at school and has been starting to date with the intention of finding someone to marry. At first I didn't understand why 6 months into school she didn't have a boyfriend because she is beautiful, talented, loving and caring. Through watching her experience going through this I have realized that this experience cannot be summed up into one "how to tutorial" and it is a more individual journey.

Although it varies from person to person the process of finding an eternal companion there are steps that each relationship is sure to meet and tips to make these steps happen smoothly.

1. Prepare for Success
"we must look ahead to the type of marriage we want, set a course toward that goal, and then "prepare every needful thing" (D&C 88:119; D&C 109:8)" (2002)

How can we expect to find and marry our ideal person if we cannot attain those goals we have set for them ourselves? That is unfair to hold this pedestal up for them when they are goals and standards we do not strive for. It would also make it very hard to find anyone to date. We need to be working on ourselves as well as being on the look out for someone who has those qualities we are looking for in a eternal companion.

2. The Awareness Phase
This phase is when you realize you are attracted to someone and you determine whether or not you want to pursue a relationship. The first step of this phase is physical attraction. Yes this is not all that should matter but according to Elder Bruce R. McConkie "The right person [for you to marry] is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist." (2002). Physical attraction is important for that initial spark and for a lasting relationship. It also is a great start to the next step which can be one of the hardest steps of dating, the initial contact.

This step is important because it starts the interaction for when you will be able to learn if the other person is compatible not to the eye but also with the traits you have decided you want in a spouse. Studies have shown that "both males and females wish the other gender would be more straightforward in their dating strategies." (2002).

3. Transition from Acquaintance to Buildup
This can be a confusing stage and one that is different for every situation but there are ways that are better than others for going through this transition. Some examples of these are "high levels of routine contact and activity, providing emotional support and positivity, talking about the relationship, and instrumental support." (2002)

There are also ways that this can be approached that are not beneficial, one of these ways is "hanging out". You may be having fun and making friends but if you are not getting together with the intention of learning about one another as potential future spouses than this time has not helped answer your questions and get you through this transition.

4. The Buildup Phase
This is often started with the first date, the transition from friendship to dating. There are two steps to this phase, (1) seeking mutual influence and (2) developing mature love.

Mutual influence in a relationship is when you have an ""equal" relationship in which they contributed fully to all aspects of the relationship" (2002). This is "difficult if not impossible is the relationship started out as physical." (2002). You will not be able to lay that foundation of trust and partnership if there is already a foundation that has been laid with lust and sin.

Mature love is "lasting passion, desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment, the belief that love is something you have to "decide", belief that love means: commitment, trust, sharing and sacrifice, creating an environment of growth and development, allowing partner space for growth" (2002).

5. The Transition from B to C
This is when you ask yourself if this is someone you can see a future with and picturing that future. This is also the phase when you go from falling in love to mature love.

6. Commitment and Continuation- Into a Successful Eternal Marriage
The next step is to decide if getting engaged is right for your relationship. There is advice given to us from church leaders that help us understand how to go about this.

First we need to try and determine if we are sliding or deciding. Sliding is when "people who make relationship transitions without thorough deliberation" (2002). If you are sliding you can end up being in an unhappy marriage because you didn't take the time to discuss the stages of the relationship you were in and you weren't honest with everyone in the relationship with how you were feeling.

Next you need to seek spiritual confirmation. We need to understand that "we have been given the power to choose and we are expected to exercise that right. But we have also been told to seek guidance from the Lord in all things." (2002). We have our agency but in order to know that we are making the right decisions we need to confirm with the Lord. He will answer us through the spirit in a still small voice, not in a huge gesture so make sure you are listening.

If you have decided that this is the person you want to marry and have talked to them and found out that they also got confirmation from the Lord than you are ready to get engaged. Then as you prepare for marriage "do not forget to continue to prepare for marriage. Your temple marriage is infinitely more important than all that surrounds the wedding itself." (2002). You are not getting married for a party, you are doing it for the eternal marriage. Engagement is also a time when you need to continue to prepare for your marriage, do not get overwhelmed with the wedding preparation and forget about the marriage preparation.

So when approaching dating, engagement and marriage do not worry. Just remember to reach out to the Lord and he will help you along the way and as long as you are following his commandments he will bless you in your endeavors.


Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University