Repentance, Forgiveness and Prayer

Three very important words for a marriage. These three principles are ones we talk about a lot in church and there is no surprise there because they are important during every season of our lives and marriage is no acception.

Prayer: 

Prayer is how we communicate with our Heavenly Father. It is how we thank him for the blessings he gives us everyday and it is when we ask him our questions and ask him for help. It is a beautiful way for us to humble ourselves before our Father in Heaven and let him know that we love him and will always need him.

Specifically in a marriage it can bring us closer during the good and bad times. "including God in the relationship through prayer helps people to view their partner through God's eyes and come to view the relationship as holy and sacred." (2012).

Repentance and Forgiveness:

This can be a hard one sometimes. This time instead of humbling ourselves before God we need to humble ourselves before other human beings, other mortals. Although this can be hard to do these principles are very important, if not crucial, in a marriage. In my five years of being married I know that I would not be able to count the amount of times I have had to say sorry and ask for forgiveness from my husband on one or even both my hands.

"In families, repentance and forgiveness blend into an interactive process that is strengthened by family members' commitment to each other." (2012). Forgiving each other in a family will only allow your relationships to grow stronger and closer. Repenting will help your relationships grow, especially your relationship with the Lord.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Divorce.... But What about Forever?

Another tough topic that I have a lot of thoughts on and feelings about. My husband and I talked about this topic a good amount before we got married. He knew and still knows that this is not an option for us ever. He grew up in a house where his parents divorced when he was 13 and it was not a pretty divorce. Because of everything that happened his teenage years were very difficult and because of that he knew that when he found someone to marry he needed to make sure that that person had the same commitment to keeping their marriage together forever. We know that hard times will come but divorce will never even be an option for us.

Of course there are usually acception to the rules and divorce can have acception. President Faust has a three step test to seeing if your marriage is one of those acceptions.

Step 1: Prolonged Difficulties "Spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems." (2012)

There are so many ways to go about this. One is through counseling. There is also communicating and waiting out the problems. Did you know that "the first five years of a marriage are the years with the highest risk of divorce" (2012)?  Those who said that they push past these first few rough years say that their marriage is more satisfying than it ever has been. I know that that is because they were able to work through such a rough time together and come out on the other side stronger than ever.

Some other options are to visit your bishop, talk with close friends or family that may have gone through the same thing and were able to push through a rough time but are now strong in their marriage. You also want to make sure you will have friends and family around you who will support you in trying to work things out, having people around you who won't will make it hard to work for your marriage.

There are also cases where separation may be the answer to protect family members from harm. But this of course is only temporary until it is safe for those who moved out to come back home and continue working to mend the marriage.

Step 2: Apparently Redeemable Marriage "The marital relationship must reach the point where is it apparently irredeemable" (2012)

What does this mean? This means that you have tried everything you could and even more than that and it is not getting better. In cases of infidelity it can mean that the spouse who was unfaithful regained your trust but then repeated the act of infidelity. This shows you that they are not sorry and divorce could be the answer for this situation.

Step 3: Destruction of Human Dignity "that the relationship has deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroy the dignity of one or both spouses" (2012)

"feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage does not meet this standard." (2012). This means that your sense of worth is depleted. An example of when this might happen is from living in an abusive house or being the victim of multiple acts of infidelity.

If you are going through a rough time in your marriage make sure to go through this list and see if you have done all you can to save it. Most of all make sure you are communicating with the Lord. Visit the temple often and ask him your questions and confide in him your sadness and your fears. Visit your Bishop and he can help you as well. There is so much that can be done before divorce is even mentioned and it will be even easier to do with the help of the Lord.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Fighting against Abortion and Preserving the Sanctity of Life

Abortion. Why? I don't understand it. I don't like it. I don't support it. I am very passionate about fighting against this war against the family, "one of the weapons in "Satan's attack on the family"" (2012). Why does this bother me so much? It bothers me so much because so many people are just perfectly fine with innocent life being taken. That innocent child is not even given the chance to breathe air for the first time and because they don't have a voice to stop it I am raising my voice for them.

One of the most irritating arguments that people have for supporting abortion is that their life would be bad if they had the chance to live it. Can you see into the future? You can see where this child will go if they are put up for adoption? You know what their life will end up being like? You know that they don't have the power to fight through hard times? Even if you knew all of the answers to these questions, you don't have the right to make that choice for this person. Yes they are a person, from the second they are conceived they are a person.

Let me bring this to our level for a second and make a comparison that may shed some light on what I am talking about. Imagine you have been studying in school and got a degree for your dream profession and then you get your dream job. You prepare for that job buying new outfits, researching up on that job and imagining yourself going great places. Then the day before you are going to start this job you are fired for the reason of the boss just not feeling it. How would that feel? Of course this is not a fair comparison. One person is losing a job and the other person is losing a life. The person who lost a job will be hurt but they will eventually move past it. The innocent child who lost their life cannot move on. They didn't even get to experience any part of this thing they were supposed to move past. However the comparison shows that both circumstances were uncalled for and unfair.

Now before anyone gets all huffy and puffy asking "what about incest, rape or the mom's life being in harms way?" This is not what I am talking about. I understand that there are times when abortion is necessary in the case that the mother's life is in danger. There may also be cases where a mother chooses abortion because they are pregnant after rape. This is a harder situation to be in and I support the choice being given to the mother depending on her mental state regarding the trauma she has gone through. But these cases account for a few of the number of abortions that happen every year. The majority of abortions that happen are due to a pregnancy inconveniencing a women's life.

Regarding a women's life, another "excuse" some use for supporting abortion is that it is the women's body so no one else should have a say. This just burns me up. I cannot even explain how infuriated I feel when I hear this. I am a woman and I am all for women having a voice #equalrights but women who get pregnant already made their choice, again I am not talking about those who were raped. So none of this prochoice business because the choice is gone and past. Now the woman is pregnant and she is no longer dealing with her body she is dealing with two bodies. "To pretend that there is no child and no life there is to deny reality" (2012).

Maybe some are asking how I could even know how it feels like to make that choice. You are right I don't know how that feels but I do know how it feels to loose a baby before even getting to meet them. I know that a piece of my heart broke off and left with that baby the second I found out that they were gone. I know that I will always miss that baby and I will always be sad that I wasn't able to kiss their little toes. The way I feel from loosing a baby without choosing lets me know that I could not even imagine choosing this for a baby. So I cannot even imagine how hard of a choice this is but I know it is a choice and I know that all choices have other options.

There are so many couples out there waiting to grow their family but cannot on their own. I personally know a lot of families who have adopted and I know it changed their lives to be blessed with their new gifts from God. LDS services is a great source for finding a loving family to adopt your baby, you can find out more at https://adoption.com/lds .

Here is an excerpt from one of the profiles of a potential adoptive couple on adoption.com/lds:

"We are so grateful for birth parents and their decision to let adoptive parents raise their precious babies. They are the only ones who can give us what we cannot give ourselves; the blessing and opportunity to start our family. We are excited for the chance to adopt as we have hoped for a long time to start our family."

You may be someone who just found out you are pregnant and are freaking out. You may be scared and confused but you have an opportunity to change someone's life by giving them something they may have been trying years to try to give themselves. So instead of ending that life inside of you make that choice and give your baby a new and promising life that they can live.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Loving the Sinner not the Sin

As members of the church it is always hard to see those around you who know the truth choose the wrong. It is hard because we know that they can be happy and we ache for them for when the day comes that they will have to suffer the consequences for those poor choices that they are making. But as their loved ones and as children of God it is our job to love them and it is not our job to judge them. We can also be comforted with the knowledge that temple covenants can save those who have fallen away. The Atonement is also a great tool for those who have fallen away and need to repent of their sins once they choose to come back.

It is especially hard to see our children fall away from the church but this can happen. As parents all we can do is raise our children and teach them what is right and if later in their life they choose something else we need to show them love and warmth and know that we did all we can to help raise them with the knowledge they need to make the right choices, even if they are not making them right now. "The Atonement and sealing ordinances are sufficiently powerful to eventually bring salvation to the children of parents who diligently seek to keep their temple covenants." (2012).

As long as we uphold our temple covenants with the Lord than those blessings we received can continue to bless our children who were born into that covenant. How could a Lord that is loving enough to give us those covenants not give his children a way to return when they loose there way? Another amazing point that I saw in my book about the power of the Atonement that can be a great healer for our worries about our children is that the Atonement heals "in both this life and in the life to come" (2012). Everyone is always saying YOLO (You Only Live Once) but we don't. This is only the beginning of forever and we may have a temporary separation from our bodies before resurrection but we will have time to repent, as long as we are trying our best and not pushing off repentance on purpose.

I don't personally have experience with worrying about children falling away from the church but reading the chapter in my book regarding this topic reminded me how important it is for me to keep my temple covenants and teach my children about the Gospel and Christ's love.

If you are someone who has fallen from the church and you feel alone in your journey in returning please remember that you are never alone. You have church members (Bishop, RS president, Elder's Quorum president, YW or YM presidency) and most importantly our Lord and Jesus Christ. He is always there to hear your prayers and he is the only "call" that will always be answered!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Roles as a Mother and Father

This topic seems to be a heated one recently. Everyone is so concerned with everyone being the same that if anyone mentions that there is a difference between genders so many people get "offended". Well ladies and gentlemen.... there is a difference between genders and that difference does not stop regarding the roles that a mother and father play in a child's life. Our roles as mothers and fathers have been given to us through the Lord and when we don't fulfill those roles we are not living up to the potential he has for us and we are not letting our children live up to that potential either.

So without further ado here are some of the roles that are bestowed upon a mother and a father!

Mother:
-Birthing children (this is one thing that men cannot do, an obvious difference between genders. I personally would never want to give up this great opportunity to establish a beautiful bond between myself and my child)
-"Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" (2012). This does not mean that a father needs to ignore his children but mothers should be there at home with the children and will be the main source of nurturing for the children through play, love, and time spent with your children,
-"A mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective" (2012)

-"the attachment between mother and child is critical for a child's healthy social emotional development" (2012)

These are just a few of the many important roles a mother plays in her child's life.

You may have the thoughts of the world running through your head "but these things are not important, why do mothers get the roles that don't amount to anything?". If this is what you are thinking than I have a few things to share with you to help change your mind, because the role of a mother is an irreplaceable role.

"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind" (2012). You heard that right. Although the world has made motherhood out to be one of the least important jobs it is actually the highest job that there is, there is nothing holier than being a loving mother.

Another point that a lot of women seem to become offended by is that men have the priesthood and women do not. In regards to this "His daughters, "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the priesthood itself." (2012). Our roles as mothers is as important as the priesthood. So the next time you go to compare the two remember that we as mothers are have a role that is just as important as the role that the priesthood plays.

Father:
-To preside by providing love, teaching and directing.
-"moral responsibility to teach and care for his children" (2012)
-"spiritual leadership in family life" (2012)
-To partner with the mother, the children and all those involved in the child's life (extended family and those in the community)
-To be present. It is sad how common it is for fathers to not be present in a child's life, at all or just mentally there for the child by listening and being involved in the child's day to day life. This is where nurturance of the father comes in. It may not be as much of a presence as the mother's nurturance because the father is at work but it is still as important for the child's well being. It is a great source of security for the child.
-To provide. "to meet a child's temporal needs and make opportunities for him or her to grow and develop" (2012) This is providing those needs children need like water, food and shelter but it is also making sure to provide them with opportunities to grow both physically and spiritually.
-To protect and help the child feel safe and help them learn how to stay safe once they are old enough to be on their own by teaching them the skills they will need to do so.

Hopefully you have been able to see how important each of these roles play in the lives in children. Also that neither of these roles is more important than the other. Each role plays a very important part in a child's upbringing and the absence of one or the other can make a huge difference in the child's overall life.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University
 

Multiply and Replenish and the Blessings that are sure to Follow

Yep, today I am going to be talking about babies! They are the best and the hardest thing that will happen to you. I have never felt more love for someone at first site before than the births of my children. I could not even have imagined how much love I could have for them before they were even born but I loved them from the second I found out that they were growing inside of me. 

Of course a big reason for why I decided to have children so early in my life, according to the world, was because of my upbringing in the LDS church. I was married at 19, had my first baby 2 months before I was 21 and my second 2 months before I turned 23. I now am just 25 and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Having children has put a lot of things on the back burner for me, first of all being school, but although things are a lot harder to do I am finishing those things I want to do to better myself for my children.

Having kids, especially earlier in life and our marriage, has made things difficult but at the same time we have seen so many blessings for following the commandment from God to multiply and replenish the earth. Some of the blessings I see on a day to day basis are daily lessons on patience, unconditional love, being able to witness the pure testimony of my children, and so much more.

There are also blessings that you can receive from children that not only benefit yourself but the world. Did you know that "by 2050, deaths will outnumber births and the earth will begin to see depopulation" (2012)? To sustain the population in the USA every couple needs to have 2.3 children. This will help sustain our country from starting to deplete. But the total fertility rate currently in the USA is 2.56 and has been consistently dropping from 4.92 since the 1950s.

How does this affect you? Well in a couple decades the elderly will be the greatest population and will have a lot more say than the other generations. They will have a lot of pull in politics when voting time comes and the likelihood of taxes being raised is much greater because there will be fewer in the working class than the elderly so the working class will have to work harder to help support their elders. These consequences to not following a commandment from God could be drastic and could change the world forever.

I urge you to rethink your thoughts on having children whether it is that you have decided to not have children at all or that you are waiting for the perfect time, because there will never be a perfect time things will always seem to be in the way. This is a serious commandment from God and it is necessary to one day become like him. If that is not reason enough than think about this "The first commandment he gave to Adam and Eve was to "be faithful, and multiply, and replenish the earth" (Genesis 1:28)" (2012). It was the very first commandment he gave so it must be an important one!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

You Norish a Marriage like you Norish a Body

A few months ago I started doing the 21 Day Fix program. It includes workout DVDs and a detailed eating plan with portion containers. It has been a great tool for me with helping me learn how to correctly nourish my body. To nourish our bodies we need water, vegetables, fruit, protein, carbs, healthy fats and seeds & oils. With all of these we also need to balance our potions and make sure we are eating the right amount of each every single day.

You may be asking, how does this fit into a marriage blog? Well we need to nourish our bodies just like how we need to nourish other parts of our life and another part of our life that needs constant nourishing is out marriages. We cannot fuel a marriage with negativity just like how we cannot nourish our bodies with junk food. So here are some ways that we can make sure to nourish our marriages to help keep them strong and alive

1: "Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant" (2012)

Have you ever seen the covenant marriage triangle? It has each spouse on two of the corners and on the third is God. It represents that when you marry in the temple you are not just making a promise to each other to do all you can to stay together forever but you are also promising that to God. It means that when you go through hard times and you feel like you are alone because it has become hard to communicate to your best friend that you are not alone, God will be there to communicate with and help you rebuild that bridge between you and your spouse.

I will be honest, being marriage is not always easy. It can be so hard sometimes but when we give our all, in a covenant marriage each spouse gives 100% not 50/50, and we reach out to God we can rebuild anything.

2: "Love and Friendship" (2012)

If you are like most you most likely married your best friend, someone who you had so much fun with while dating. After getting married though it can be so easy to fall into a routine of not putting as much effort into the relationship. You are married now and you feel like you don't have anyone to impress anymore. You may not have to win your spouse over but that friendship still needs to be nourished because without friendship a marriage is really hard, way harder than usual.

One of the greatest ways to nourish love and a friendship within a marriage is through love languages. There are 5 love languages and everyone has at least one that they prefer to give love through and one they prefer to receive love through. For me I love to give love through giving gifts and I love to receive love through physical touch and quality time. I got lucky and my husband is also has a physical touch and quality time love language. Some may not be as lucky but your marriage can still thrive.

Find out what your spouse's love language is, there is a test you can take that will tell you, and make an effort to "talk" to them through their love language. Some ideas:

If your spouse is quality time go out for a date with them, set up an in home date, or sit in bed 30 minutes before going to sleep and just talk.

If your spouse is physical touch snuggle during a movie, have a random make out session or hold hands in public.

If your spouse is words of affirmation send them texts when they are at working telling them how much you love them, leave them love notes written on the bathroom mirror or tell them they are beautiful.

If your spouse is acts of service clean their car, clean the kitchen or take out the trash.

If your spouse is receiving gifts buy them something they have been wanting, make them a present or pick up their favorite food for dinner.

It may be hard to be in a relationship where each spouse has a different love language but I think that that can give both spouses more of an opportunity to show their love by showing their spouse that although it may not be their favorite way to show love or receive it that you are willing to do it for them.

3: "Positive Interaction" (2012)

Being happy and positive can be hard. After having my youngest life has been hard. I seem to always be stressed and I think it has a lot to do with how I have not had a moments rest since having him being in full time school and staying at home with two very active kids is very tiring. So at the end of the day when my husband gets home it is hard to stay positive. It is hard to smile for him and take a moment to ask him how his day was without whining about mine. More recently though I have been trying to change this and it is interesting to see how by nourishing my body it makes nourishing the relationships in my life easier.

Being positive in a marriage is so vital to it's health. When you have a friend and they are always negative how likely are you to stay friends with them? Not very likely. It is similar in a marriage. I am sure that when I was being negative everyday when my husband got home from a long day at work he was not looking forward to seeing his grumpy and miserable wife. I am sure he was thinking back to his new bride who was always so happy and excited to see him.

As I exercise more and eat the right foods I can see that it is easier to be more patient with my children and there for when my husband gets home I am not as irritable, most days. I am able to kiss him and ask him about his day and try and turn his day around if it wasn't that great at work. I know that by being a positive light in my husband's life he enjoys being around me more and I enjoy being around me more as well.

4: "Accepting Influence from One's Spouse" (2012)

This one is hard. The meaning to this nourishing marriage advice is to listen to your spouse and to be willing to compromise. Compromise can be so hard. You may be so excited about something and you may go to your spouse to let them know your plan and they may be excited for you but at the same time they may have suggestions you may not like. Instead of fighting it is usually best to take a step back, listen to those suggestions and compromise to fit both plans together.

This happened to me recently. I recently learned all about Lularoe this past winter. I fell in love with how the business was set up and I was ready to sign up to be a consultant. Then I went to my husband and he was not for it. It was hard for me to accept. I felt like he was crushing my dream. This was going to be my way of doing something for myself for the first time since our kids were born, I was going to finally find who I was outside of being a mom.

After a few months of being in full time school I am glad I was able to calm myself down and make some compromises with my husband and hold off for a little while before signing on to be a consultant. I had forgotten how busy I get when I am in full time school and I know that if I had signed up in December that life would be impossible right now. Now I am able to spend the little bit of free time I have with my family instead of having to stress all the time about running a new business while also keeping up with school work. I am glad I was able to humble myself and listen to my husband's suggestions and that we were able to make compromises that worked for us both.

5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems" (2012)

"How differences are handled is an important key to marital success or failure" (2012). I love this quote. Fighting and disagreements are inevitable in a marriage and any relationship, unless you are in a relationship with your clone. You are each your own person so it makes sense that you will not always agree with someone who is their own person. This is normal and this goes along really well with the last nourishing concept of compromise.

So we will get into fights but it is how we handle those disagreements that will help keep up strong. Will you hold a grudge and drag fights on or will you talk them out? Will you keep it all in and one day explode or will you approach a problem as it is happening? The way you answer those questions can make a huge difference in the nourishment of your marriage. Communication is always key. You may not be able to communicate as the argument is happening, it is ok to step away for a few minutes, or a couple hours, to cool down and compose yourself. But it is so crucial to your lasting relationship that those problems are addressed and that each person is able to have time to talk and that each person listens with the intention of finding a solution.

6: Continuing Courtship through the Years" (2012)

This may be my favorite of these nourishing topics. Dating does not stop at the wedding day. Instead it gets better. You are not dating your spouse now and forever. Dating can do so much for a marriage even if it is simple dates that are put together. The dates don't have to be expensive and luxurious. They can be a picnic in the living room, scavenger hunt in the park or feeding the ducks at the pond. As long as you are setting aside time for just you and your spouse to bond at least once a week you will see instantly how much of a difference it can make.

Now that you have seen how to nourish your marriage do you see areas where your relationship is being starved? What can you do to help strengthen your relationship with nourishment? I promise you no relationship is perfect but it is always about trying our best and making sure to always let the other person know that no matter what we will always love them and be there for them for eternity!

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

A Marriage is only as strong as its Fidelity

You may have noticed that there is a similar resource in each of my posts. I am currently attending online classes through BYU-Idaho and Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives is the textbook for one of my classes. There is so much I have learned from this book even just a few chapters in. One of the most eye opening chapters I read was called "Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity". Fidelity is one of the most important components to any relationship, especially a marriage.

When I started reading this chapter I thought it would be covering sexual infidelity throughout it all. To my surprise this was a small portion of the chapter. This does not mean that this form of infidelity is not harmful and disrespectful in every way. How could it not be those things? It is a spouse participating in an act which purpose is to strengthen a married couple but instead is participating with someone outside of the marriage. I cannot even imagine how devastating this would be to me. I used to have nightmares before getting married about falling off cliffs or being kidnapped. Now the nightmares that wake me in the middle of the night are ones I have about my marriage failing. I cannot think of anything worse than that.

So in the rest of the chapter it talks about different forms of infidelity besides the most common and talked about sexual infidelity. The other forms of infidelity are: fantasy, visual, and romantic.

Fantasy:

Did you know that you can have an affair without even meeting another person? Crazy right? When we are married our whole selves are given to our spouse and so sharing any of that with someone else is harming your marriage. Some examples of this type of infidelity is talking in chat rooms and connecting on an emotional or intimate level that should only be shared with your spouse, or "having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place" (2012).

But wait, isn't it ok to fantasize? I mean everyone has a celebrity crush right? Well according to my text this form of infidelity is inappropriate because it "involves fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. When we let ourselves imagine what life would be like with another person, we are not being fully faithful to our spouse." (2012) Not as innocent as you may have thought.

Romantic:

This form of infidelity doesn't have much sexual nature to it. It has a lot to do with emotional connection and how you are making that emotional connection with the wrong person. "Romantic infidelity occurs when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than him or her spouse." (2012). This form of infidelity can be so easy to participate in if you are not good at putting up boundaries with those around you. This can happen with coworkers, family friends, and even someone from church. In my marriage we have talked a lot about boundaries we want to set for ourselves and that we would like to see our spouse set as well to help keep this form of infidelity from creeping in. Some examples of these boundaries are:

• Not being alone in the car with someone of the opposite sex
• Not going out to a meal alone with someone of the opposite sex
• Don't talk about your marital problems outside of the marriage
• Don't flirt
• Don't share things with others that you aren't comfortable sharing with your spouse

Visual:

Although this was second in my list above I chose to save this for last because it involves a subject that is very controversial in these days. A way you can act in visual infidelity is by looking at, watching or reading pornography. I don't even like thinking about this word. For one thing it is a huge disrespect to women. Then to bring it into a marriage it becomes a disrespect to your spouse. "But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28)" (2012).

I remember reading posts in a mommy app I was apart of. One of the most recent posts was from a mom who was asking what the other mom's thoughts were on their husband's viewing pornography in bed next to them. Immediately my blood starting boiling! Just thinking about pornography in general makes me upset but to then to think about it being used in a marriage as a way to "relieve yourself" is disgusting especially if the other person gives their "ok". I jumped on the post and commented my thoughts thinking that many of the other moms who would post after me and would agree with all of my thoughts about how not just the act of watching it in bed with you was disrespectful but that if used any time in a marriage it is harmful. To my surprise the majority of moms who posted comments were in favor of their husbands or boyfriends using pornography when they "weren't in the mood" but they were OUTRAGED that this woman's significant other was watching it right in front of her? I could not believe what these women were saying! How were they ok with something being done in the other room that they couldn't stand being done right in front of them? I think it is because when they see it happen it becomes real but if it is in the other room they can pretend it is not happening. I know that if this was something I knew was happening in my house I would want to pretend it wasn't happening also. I would feel totally disrespected and betrayed that my husband would want to seek physical enjoyment from watching other naked women. Does this sound enjoyable to you?

Hopefully you were better able to understand that infidelity is not just sexual acts that it can be fantasy, visual and romantic as well. Some of these acts of infidelity may hurt more than others but anyone of them can slowly, or quickly, break down a marriage until it is very hard or impossible even to return to how it used to be. So always choose your spouse over any temptation, whether big or small, because that one act can take years to eventually heal in someone you promised forever to.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Facts about Marriage

Now that you know how to find someone to marry let's talk about why getting married is important and how it is beneficial to everyone involved. From what I can observe in the world today marriage is becoming a dying habit. This is not a main priority in everyone's eyes anymore and a lot of what I see and hear is that a lot of people don't even have getting married as one of their lifetime goals. This is saddening to me because I could not imagine my life without my husband. He is my partner in everything and I always want him by my side.

So first I am going to stump some of the reasons for why you should wait to get married that I found from an article on Elite Daily.

"1. You Barely Know Yourself" (2014)

I just turned 25 and I can agree with this statement. I am still learning about myself ALL the time. I struggle even more now that I have kids who I put above my needs every day. BUT being married has helped me learn more about myself. My husband always has my back and he supports me while I search different paths of learning more about myself. He helps me see the best side of myself, a side I tend to forget about and cover with my insecurities. If it wasn't for him I would not know as much as I do about myself today.

"2. You're Most Likely Not Financially Stable" (2014)

First of all you will probably not be making enough money to feel comfortable getting married and starting a family until it is probably too late. Second if you are so worried about being able to support two people than find someone who is willing to work while you work. Then you will have two incomes and it will be just like supporting yourself when single but now you can enjoy the benefits of marriage.
When my husband and I got married we were BROKE! We were both in school, I was only a year, and we started living off of one income as soon as our daughter was born which was a little over a year into our marriage. Our first semesters at school we even had to take extra loans out so that we could financially get through the next two semesters. So we were not even close to making the big bucks but we were able to stay afloat and slowly rise out of the water over the years.
Because we got married so young and struggled with money at first we were able to learn good budgeting and saving habits that now that we are making enough money we are able to save more each month for a future down payment. We were even able to buy our first house in our early 20's, something that not a lot of people our age can do as a married couple with two kids.
Yes a lot of our success with money has to do with how hard my husband works at his job. But if he was still making half what he is making now we would be ok. It would be hard but we would still be happy making rice and beans 3 nights a week or having date night in every week. When you are married young and have little money you are able to see the value money holds but that it isn't necessary to create happiness in a relationship or family.

"3. You May Very Well Feel Like You Haven't Experienced Enough" (2014)

These reasons irk me. I cannot imagine putting any of these in front of what my husband and I have. nothing makes me more happy than when I am with him. That being said I don't need to explore what else is out there. Why would you need to do that when you have found someone who makes you happy and who you can picture a life with?
Another view you can take this is that once you get married and especially once you have kids you can no longer do anything fun. WRONG! My husband and I do fun things all the time. We recently went on a vacation to the Gulf Coast, yes without kids, and it was a lot of fun. Then we met back up with the kids and we continued our fun vacation while enjoying it through their eyes as well. It is also a day and age where when you are older you can still do things you did when you were younger like explore the world. So since my husband and I got married young and started having kids young we will be empty nesters young. Then when we are empty nesters and actually have money, which we didn't as young 20 somethings whether we had been married or not, we can explore the world and do fun things we couldn't always do when we had kids at home (we can still do those things just not as frequently). Then there are couples who get married and who don't have kids right away. They can have fun too and they will probably have more fun being able to enjoy those adventures with someone they love.

"4. Marriage Is Forever; What's The Rush?"

This questions seems ridiculous to me. When I found my husband I knew quickly after that I could see myself with him forever and I wanted that forever to start that day, then we had to wait because of wedding planning (not our choice but was a strong recommendation from those who were paying for the wedding *cough cough mom and dad). I wanted forever to start as soon as possible. Being engaged SUCKED and once it was over my forever started and I was the happiest I had ever been, but not the happiest I would ever be because my love and happiness for this man grows everyday. It always baffles me when I hear of long drawn out engagements. Yes I understand that most of the world doesn't believe in waiting until you are married but if you are making the commitment to get married by getting engaged why wait? It will only cause doubt and will increase the likelihood of one of you to back out because they become unsure about their decision, which by the way is not a sign that you should not get married. Having doubts and getting scared is normal before getting married, both my husband and I were scared but we pushed those fears aside and made the best decision of our lives to start our forever now instead of later.

"5. Succeeding Does Get Harder With Age"

As I go from one reason to the next the agitation inside of me rises. These reasons are all very selfish and being married is a time when you have to be very unselfish. So thinking about choosing things that only benefit me over my true love makes me angry. I would not choose anything over my husband, NOTHING! So when thinking about how if I had pushed off my marriage so I could finish school first I don't understand how the benefit of finishing school first would out weigh the benefits of being married. Yes finishing school has become harder but that again has more to do with having kids so soon into our marriage (which I do not regret at all) but being married means that I have my person there for me every step of the way. He is there to give me advice, to help me through tough assignments and has especially been there during times when I have wanted to quit and he did not let me.
In turn I have been there to help him and watch him succeed. We have lived in four different states since getting married and most of those moves have been to help him step up in his career field. I have been able to grow by watching his example of working hard and from learning to sacrifice for someone else.

I have such a hard time seeing how these reasons are a good reason to push off getting married. I guess if these are your reasons than you are thinking about yourself but marriage is about the couple and you do have to be selfless and start putting someone else before you sometimes but in turn you will be put first other times. This can be a hard thing to learn and a hard thing to start doing but as you start learning and doing you will grow and learn more about yourself.

If the above wasn't enough of a reason to get married than here are some hard evidence of why getting married will make your life better:

"when young adults marry, they experience an immediate reduction in depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction levels hold true for the married across incomes, ethnic groups, and gender." (2012)

"faithfully married people report being well satisfied with their sex lives, more so than any other category of sexually active people." (2012)

"loss of freedom outside the boundaries of the marriage union actually creates new opportunities for a profound level of freedom within them.... by giving up other choices in order to fully commit to marriage, spouses find that barriers within the relationship collapse and the couple feels a freedom unique to marriage-an emotional, psychological, and sexual safety unmatched by any other relationship." (2012)

"Infidelity is more common among marriages preceded by cohabitation, and physical aggression is also more common." (2012)

"The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities, and the world at large." (2012)

Now you decide which path you want to take. The selfish path of being alone or the selfless path that in the beginning and end will give you more?


Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University
Paul Hudson. (2014). 5 Good Reasons Why You Should Wait Until You’re 30 To Get Married. Retrieved from http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/5-reasons-one-get-married-30/

Choosing an Eternal Companion

This is an interesting topic for me. When I went off to school I was a month away from turning 19 but I already knew I wanted to start dating with the intention of getting married. My very first day doing something on campus, it was at orientation about 2 days before classes even started, I met my husband to be. We hung out for a month before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then two months after that we were engaged and finally a long 6 months after that we were sealed in the temple for eternity. To some this may sound crazy. You may be thinking that I was way too young or that we moved to fast but for us it felt right and I know without a doubt we made the right decision.

Now my sister is at school and has been starting to date with the intention of finding someone to marry. At first I didn't understand why 6 months into school she didn't have a boyfriend because she is beautiful, talented, loving and caring. Through watching her experience going through this I have realized that this experience cannot be summed up into one "how to tutorial" and it is a more individual journey.

Although it varies from person to person the process of finding an eternal companion there are steps that each relationship is sure to meet and tips to make these steps happen smoothly.

1. Prepare for Success
"we must look ahead to the type of marriage we want, set a course toward that goal, and then "prepare every needful thing" (D&C 88:119; D&C 109:8)" (2002)

How can we expect to find and marry our ideal person if we cannot attain those goals we have set for them ourselves? That is unfair to hold this pedestal up for them when they are goals and standards we do not strive for. It would also make it very hard to find anyone to date. We need to be working on ourselves as well as being on the look out for someone who has those qualities we are looking for in a eternal companion.

2. The Awareness Phase
This phase is when you realize you are attracted to someone and you determine whether or not you want to pursue a relationship. The first step of this phase is physical attraction. Yes this is not all that should matter but according to Elder Bruce R. McConkie "The right person [for you to marry] is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist." (2002). Physical attraction is important for that initial spark and for a lasting relationship. It also is a great start to the next step which can be one of the hardest steps of dating, the initial contact.

This step is important because it starts the interaction for when you will be able to learn if the other person is compatible not to the eye but also with the traits you have decided you want in a spouse. Studies have shown that "both males and females wish the other gender would be more straightforward in their dating strategies." (2002).

3. Transition from Acquaintance to Buildup
This can be a confusing stage and one that is different for every situation but there are ways that are better than others for going through this transition. Some examples of these are "high levels of routine contact and activity, providing emotional support and positivity, talking about the relationship, and instrumental support." (2002)

There are also ways that this can be approached that are not beneficial, one of these ways is "hanging out". You may be having fun and making friends but if you are not getting together with the intention of learning about one another as potential future spouses than this time has not helped answer your questions and get you through this transition.

4. The Buildup Phase
This is often started with the first date, the transition from friendship to dating. There are two steps to this phase, (1) seeking mutual influence and (2) developing mature love.

Mutual influence in a relationship is when you have an ""equal" relationship in which they contributed fully to all aspects of the relationship" (2002). This is "difficult if not impossible is the relationship started out as physical." (2002). You will not be able to lay that foundation of trust and partnership if there is already a foundation that has been laid with lust and sin.

Mature love is "lasting passion, desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment, the belief that love is something you have to "decide", belief that love means: commitment, trust, sharing and sacrifice, creating an environment of growth and development, allowing partner space for growth" (2002).

5. The Transition from B to C
This is when you ask yourself if this is someone you can see a future with and picturing that future. This is also the phase when you go from falling in love to mature love.

6. Commitment and Continuation- Into a Successful Eternal Marriage
The next step is to decide if getting engaged is right for your relationship. There is advice given to us from church leaders that help us understand how to go about this.

First we need to try and determine if we are sliding or deciding. Sliding is when "people who make relationship transitions without thorough deliberation" (2002). If you are sliding you can end up being in an unhappy marriage because you didn't take the time to discuss the stages of the relationship you were in and you weren't honest with everyone in the relationship with how you were feeling.

Next you need to seek spiritual confirmation. We need to understand that "we have been given the power to choose and we are expected to exercise that right. But we have also been told to seek guidance from the Lord in all things." (2002). We have our agency but in order to know that we are making the right decisions we need to confirm with the Lord. He will answer us through the spirit in a still small voice, not in a huge gesture so make sure you are listening.

If you have decided that this is the person you want to marry and have talked to them and found out that they also got confirmation from the Lord than you are ready to get engaged. Then as you prepare for marriage "do not forget to continue to prepare for marriage. Your temple marriage is infinitely more important than all that surrounds the wedding itself." (2002). You are not getting married for a party, you are doing it for the eternal marriage. Engagement is also a time when you need to continue to prepare for your marriage, do not get overwhelmed with the wedding preparation and forget about the marriage preparation.

So when approaching dating, engagement and marriage do not worry. Just remember to reach out to the Lord and he will help you along the way and as long as you are following his commandments he will bless you in your endeavors.


Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University