A Marriage is only as strong as its Fidelity

You may have noticed that there is a similar resource in each of my posts. I am currently attending online classes through BYU-Idaho and Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives is the textbook for one of my classes. There is so much I have learned from this book even just a few chapters in. One of the most eye opening chapters I read was called "Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity". Fidelity is one of the most important components to any relationship, especially a marriage.

When I started reading this chapter I thought it would be covering sexual infidelity throughout it all. To my surprise this was a small portion of the chapter. This does not mean that this form of infidelity is not harmful and disrespectful in every way. How could it not be those things? It is a spouse participating in an act which purpose is to strengthen a married couple but instead is participating with someone outside of the marriage. I cannot even imagine how devastating this would be to me. I used to have nightmares before getting married about falling off cliffs or being kidnapped. Now the nightmares that wake me in the middle of the night are ones I have about my marriage failing. I cannot think of anything worse than that.

So in the rest of the chapter it talks about different forms of infidelity besides the most common and talked about sexual infidelity. The other forms of infidelity are: fantasy, visual, and romantic.

Fantasy:

Did you know that you can have an affair without even meeting another person? Crazy right? When we are married our whole selves are given to our spouse and so sharing any of that with someone else is harming your marriage. Some examples of this type of infidelity is talking in chat rooms and connecting on an emotional or intimate level that should only be shared with your spouse, or "having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place" (2012).

But wait, isn't it ok to fantasize? I mean everyone has a celebrity crush right? Well according to my text this form of infidelity is inappropriate because it "involves fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. When we let ourselves imagine what life would be like with another person, we are not being fully faithful to our spouse." (2012) Not as innocent as you may have thought.

Romantic:

This form of infidelity doesn't have much sexual nature to it. It has a lot to do with emotional connection and how you are making that emotional connection with the wrong person. "Romantic infidelity occurs when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than him or her spouse." (2012). This form of infidelity can be so easy to participate in if you are not good at putting up boundaries with those around you. This can happen with coworkers, family friends, and even someone from church. In my marriage we have talked a lot about boundaries we want to set for ourselves and that we would like to see our spouse set as well to help keep this form of infidelity from creeping in. Some examples of these boundaries are:

• Not being alone in the car with someone of the opposite sex
• Not going out to a meal alone with someone of the opposite sex
• Don't talk about your marital problems outside of the marriage
• Don't flirt
• Don't share things with others that you aren't comfortable sharing with your spouse

Visual:

Although this was second in my list above I chose to save this for last because it involves a subject that is very controversial in these days. A way you can act in visual infidelity is by looking at, watching or reading pornography. I don't even like thinking about this word. For one thing it is a huge disrespect to women. Then to bring it into a marriage it becomes a disrespect to your spouse. "But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28)" (2012).

I remember reading posts in a mommy app I was apart of. One of the most recent posts was from a mom who was asking what the other mom's thoughts were on their husband's viewing pornography in bed next to them. Immediately my blood starting boiling! Just thinking about pornography in general makes me upset but to then to think about it being used in a marriage as a way to "relieve yourself" is disgusting especially if the other person gives their "ok". I jumped on the post and commented my thoughts thinking that many of the other moms who would post after me and would agree with all of my thoughts about how not just the act of watching it in bed with you was disrespectful but that if used any time in a marriage it is harmful. To my surprise the majority of moms who posted comments were in favor of their husbands or boyfriends using pornography when they "weren't in the mood" but they were OUTRAGED that this woman's significant other was watching it right in front of her? I could not believe what these women were saying! How were they ok with something being done in the other room that they couldn't stand being done right in front of them? I think it is because when they see it happen it becomes real but if it is in the other room they can pretend it is not happening. I know that if this was something I knew was happening in my house I would want to pretend it wasn't happening also. I would feel totally disrespected and betrayed that my husband would want to seek physical enjoyment from watching other naked women. Does this sound enjoyable to you?

Hopefully you were better able to understand that infidelity is not just sexual acts that it can be fantasy, visual and romantic as well. Some of these acts of infidelity may hurt more than others but anyone of them can slowly, or quickly, break down a marriage until it is very hard or impossible even to return to how it used to be. So always choose your spouse over any temptation, whether big or small, because that one act can take years to eventually heal in someone you promised forever to.

Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University

Facts about Marriage

Now that you know how to find someone to marry let's talk about why getting married is important and how it is beneficial to everyone involved. From what I can observe in the world today marriage is becoming a dying habit. This is not a main priority in everyone's eyes anymore and a lot of what I see and hear is that a lot of people don't even have getting married as one of their lifetime goals. This is saddening to me because I could not imagine my life without my husband. He is my partner in everything and I always want him by my side.

So first I am going to stump some of the reasons for why you should wait to get married that I found from an article on Elite Daily.

"1. You Barely Know Yourself" (2014)

I just turned 25 and I can agree with this statement. I am still learning about myself ALL the time. I struggle even more now that I have kids who I put above my needs every day. BUT being married has helped me learn more about myself. My husband always has my back and he supports me while I search different paths of learning more about myself. He helps me see the best side of myself, a side I tend to forget about and cover with my insecurities. If it wasn't for him I would not know as much as I do about myself today.

"2. You're Most Likely Not Financially Stable" (2014)

First of all you will probably not be making enough money to feel comfortable getting married and starting a family until it is probably too late. Second if you are so worried about being able to support two people than find someone who is willing to work while you work. Then you will have two incomes and it will be just like supporting yourself when single but now you can enjoy the benefits of marriage.
When my husband and I got married we were BROKE! We were both in school, I was only a year, and we started living off of one income as soon as our daughter was born which was a little over a year into our marriage. Our first semesters at school we even had to take extra loans out so that we could financially get through the next two semesters. So we were not even close to making the big bucks but we were able to stay afloat and slowly rise out of the water over the years.
Because we got married so young and struggled with money at first we were able to learn good budgeting and saving habits that now that we are making enough money we are able to save more each month for a future down payment. We were even able to buy our first house in our early 20's, something that not a lot of people our age can do as a married couple with two kids.
Yes a lot of our success with money has to do with how hard my husband works at his job. But if he was still making half what he is making now we would be ok. It would be hard but we would still be happy making rice and beans 3 nights a week or having date night in every week. When you are married young and have little money you are able to see the value money holds but that it isn't necessary to create happiness in a relationship or family.

"3. You May Very Well Feel Like You Haven't Experienced Enough" (2014)

These reasons irk me. I cannot imagine putting any of these in front of what my husband and I have. nothing makes me more happy than when I am with him. That being said I don't need to explore what else is out there. Why would you need to do that when you have found someone who makes you happy and who you can picture a life with?
Another view you can take this is that once you get married and especially once you have kids you can no longer do anything fun. WRONG! My husband and I do fun things all the time. We recently went on a vacation to the Gulf Coast, yes without kids, and it was a lot of fun. Then we met back up with the kids and we continued our fun vacation while enjoying it through their eyes as well. It is also a day and age where when you are older you can still do things you did when you were younger like explore the world. So since my husband and I got married young and started having kids young we will be empty nesters young. Then when we are empty nesters and actually have money, which we didn't as young 20 somethings whether we had been married or not, we can explore the world and do fun things we couldn't always do when we had kids at home (we can still do those things just not as frequently). Then there are couples who get married and who don't have kids right away. They can have fun too and they will probably have more fun being able to enjoy those adventures with someone they love.

"4. Marriage Is Forever; What's The Rush?"

This questions seems ridiculous to me. When I found my husband I knew quickly after that I could see myself with him forever and I wanted that forever to start that day, then we had to wait because of wedding planning (not our choice but was a strong recommendation from those who were paying for the wedding *cough cough mom and dad). I wanted forever to start as soon as possible. Being engaged SUCKED and once it was over my forever started and I was the happiest I had ever been, but not the happiest I would ever be because my love and happiness for this man grows everyday. It always baffles me when I hear of long drawn out engagements. Yes I understand that most of the world doesn't believe in waiting until you are married but if you are making the commitment to get married by getting engaged why wait? It will only cause doubt and will increase the likelihood of one of you to back out because they become unsure about their decision, which by the way is not a sign that you should not get married. Having doubts and getting scared is normal before getting married, both my husband and I were scared but we pushed those fears aside and made the best decision of our lives to start our forever now instead of later.

"5. Succeeding Does Get Harder With Age"

As I go from one reason to the next the agitation inside of me rises. These reasons are all very selfish and being married is a time when you have to be very unselfish. So thinking about choosing things that only benefit me over my true love makes me angry. I would not choose anything over my husband, NOTHING! So when thinking about how if I had pushed off my marriage so I could finish school first I don't understand how the benefit of finishing school first would out weigh the benefits of being married. Yes finishing school has become harder but that again has more to do with having kids so soon into our marriage (which I do not regret at all) but being married means that I have my person there for me every step of the way. He is there to give me advice, to help me through tough assignments and has especially been there during times when I have wanted to quit and he did not let me.
In turn I have been there to help him and watch him succeed. We have lived in four different states since getting married and most of those moves have been to help him step up in his career field. I have been able to grow by watching his example of working hard and from learning to sacrifice for someone else.

I have such a hard time seeing how these reasons are a good reason to push off getting married. I guess if these are your reasons than you are thinking about yourself but marriage is about the couple and you do have to be selfless and start putting someone else before you sometimes but in turn you will be put first other times. This can be a hard thing to learn and a hard thing to start doing but as you start learning and doing you will grow and learn more about yourself.

If the above wasn't enough of a reason to get married than here are some hard evidence of why getting married will make your life better:

"when young adults marry, they experience an immediate reduction in depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction levels hold true for the married across incomes, ethnic groups, and gender." (2012)

"faithfully married people report being well satisfied with their sex lives, more so than any other category of sexually active people." (2012)

"loss of freedom outside the boundaries of the marriage union actually creates new opportunities for a profound level of freedom within them.... by giving up other choices in order to fully commit to marriage, spouses find that barriers within the relationship collapse and the couple feels a freedom unique to marriage-an emotional, psychological, and sexual safety unmatched by any other relationship." (2012)

"Infidelity is more common among marriages preceded by cohabitation, and physical aggression is also more common." (2012)

"The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities, and the world at large." (2012)

Now you decide which path you want to take. The selfish path of being alone or the selfless path that in the beginning and end will give you more?


Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University
Paul Hudson. (2014). 5 Good Reasons Why You Should Wait Until You’re 30 To Get Married. Retrieved from http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/5-reasons-one-get-married-30/

Choosing an Eternal Companion

This is an interesting topic for me. When I went off to school I was a month away from turning 19 but I already knew I wanted to start dating with the intention of getting married. My very first day doing something on campus, it was at orientation about 2 days before classes even started, I met my husband to be. We hung out for a month before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then two months after that we were engaged and finally a long 6 months after that we were sealed in the temple for eternity. To some this may sound crazy. You may be thinking that I was way too young or that we moved to fast but for us it felt right and I know without a doubt we made the right decision.

Now my sister is at school and has been starting to date with the intention of finding someone to marry. At first I didn't understand why 6 months into school she didn't have a boyfriend because she is beautiful, talented, loving and caring. Through watching her experience going through this I have realized that this experience cannot be summed up into one "how to tutorial" and it is a more individual journey.

Although it varies from person to person the process of finding an eternal companion there are steps that each relationship is sure to meet and tips to make these steps happen smoothly.

1. Prepare for Success
"we must look ahead to the type of marriage we want, set a course toward that goal, and then "prepare every needful thing" (D&C 88:119; D&C 109:8)" (2002)

How can we expect to find and marry our ideal person if we cannot attain those goals we have set for them ourselves? That is unfair to hold this pedestal up for them when they are goals and standards we do not strive for. It would also make it very hard to find anyone to date. We need to be working on ourselves as well as being on the look out for someone who has those qualities we are looking for in a eternal companion.

2. The Awareness Phase
This phase is when you realize you are attracted to someone and you determine whether or not you want to pursue a relationship. The first step of this phase is physical attraction. Yes this is not all that should matter but according to Elder Bruce R. McConkie "The right person [for you to marry] is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist." (2002). Physical attraction is important for that initial spark and for a lasting relationship. It also is a great start to the next step which can be one of the hardest steps of dating, the initial contact.

This step is important because it starts the interaction for when you will be able to learn if the other person is compatible not to the eye but also with the traits you have decided you want in a spouse. Studies have shown that "both males and females wish the other gender would be more straightforward in their dating strategies." (2002).

3. Transition from Acquaintance to Buildup
This can be a confusing stage and one that is different for every situation but there are ways that are better than others for going through this transition. Some examples of these are "high levels of routine contact and activity, providing emotional support and positivity, talking about the relationship, and instrumental support." (2002)

There are also ways that this can be approached that are not beneficial, one of these ways is "hanging out". You may be having fun and making friends but if you are not getting together with the intention of learning about one another as potential future spouses than this time has not helped answer your questions and get you through this transition.

4. The Buildup Phase
This is often started with the first date, the transition from friendship to dating. There are two steps to this phase, (1) seeking mutual influence and (2) developing mature love.

Mutual influence in a relationship is when you have an ""equal" relationship in which they contributed fully to all aspects of the relationship" (2002). This is "difficult if not impossible is the relationship started out as physical." (2002). You will not be able to lay that foundation of trust and partnership if there is already a foundation that has been laid with lust and sin.

Mature love is "lasting passion, desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment, the belief that love is something you have to "decide", belief that love means: commitment, trust, sharing and sacrifice, creating an environment of growth and development, allowing partner space for growth" (2002).

5. The Transition from B to C
This is when you ask yourself if this is someone you can see a future with and picturing that future. This is also the phase when you go from falling in love to mature love.

6. Commitment and Continuation- Into a Successful Eternal Marriage
The next step is to decide if getting engaged is right for your relationship. There is advice given to us from church leaders that help us understand how to go about this.

First we need to try and determine if we are sliding or deciding. Sliding is when "people who make relationship transitions without thorough deliberation" (2002). If you are sliding you can end up being in an unhappy marriage because you didn't take the time to discuss the stages of the relationship you were in and you weren't honest with everyone in the relationship with how you were feeling.

Next you need to seek spiritual confirmation. We need to understand that "we have been given the power to choose and we are expected to exercise that right. But we have also been told to seek guidance from the Lord in all things." (2002). We have our agency but in order to know that we are making the right decisions we need to confirm with the Lord. He will answer us through the spirit in a still small voice, not in a huge gesture so make sure you are listening.

If you have decided that this is the person you want to marry and have talked to them and found out that they also got confirmation from the Lord than you are ready to get engaged. Then as you prepare for marriage "do not forget to continue to prepare for marriage. Your temple marriage is infinitely more important than all that surrounds the wedding itself." (2002). You are not getting married for a party, you are doing it for the eternal marriage. Engagement is also a time when you need to continue to prepare for your marriage, do not get overwhelmed with the wedding preparation and forget about the marriage preparation.

So when approaching dating, engagement and marriage do not worry. Just remember to reach out to the Lord and he will help you along the way and as long as you are following his commandments he will bless you in your endeavors.


Resources:
Hawkins, Alan J. , Dollahite, David C. , Draper, Thomas W. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University